Eating disorders are prevalent, complicated, and often stigmatized. People struggling with an eating disorder typically have difficulty speaking up and expressing their needs directly.
I’ve been fortunate enough to have some very well-intentioned and supportive friends and family in my life. Sadly, there are many times they’ve made comments or asked questions that were harmful to my recovery. But I didn’t speak up.
By writing out what I wish I’d shared, I hope this article will help both those on the journey of recovery and those who are supporting their loved ones in recovery.
1. Understand that you don’t truly understand the eating disorder.
Most people have felt uncomfortable in their own skin living in a society that idealizes thinness.
But struggling with an eating disorder does not mean I simply, “feel fat” and want to go on a diet.
It means the more I focus on my fat, the less I can focus on anything else.
No matter how much weight I lose, it’s never enough. And no matter what I look like, I’m disgusted by my reflection. It means I don’t see myself the way anyone else sees me. I go to extreme measures and lengths to try to change my body.
Eating disorders caused me to put weight loss ahead of friends, my family, and my health. Worst of all, even as I realized I was doing it, I felt like I could not stop it.
Living with an eating disorder is overwhelming, all consuming, lonely, and terrifying.
2. An eating disorder is about so much more than food and weight.
People with eating disorders come in every shape and size. A person’s weight or what they do with food is a symptom of much larger issues going on inside of the person.
Assuming eating disorders are simply about the food and weight is like assuming lung cancer is only about coughing, and can be simply treated by giving cough drops or honey.
3. I have to face an eating disorder every day.
Unlike an addict who abstains from their substance of choice, a person with an eating disorder must face eating food 3-5 times a day… Every. Single. Day.
Each day can be filled with multiple challenges other people find typical. Having a stomach bug, dental work, or even a very heavily scheduled day are opportunities for recovery to be derailed and the eating disorder to creep in.
And similar to an addict, I often experience a sort of psychological “high” from using symptoms. While I logically know they aren’t good for me, I have strong urges that are difficult to resist.
4. Just because I think I am fat, does not mean I think YOU are fat.
While eating disorders do thrive off comparing ourselves to those around us, it is such an insidious and tricky phenomenon. The deeper someone falls into an eating disorder, often the more distorted their view of themselves and others becomes.
Simply put, I do not see myself the way you see me. And it can genuinely make me feel insane. Not only is it impossible for me to see myself clearly, but I also hold myself to an impossibly higher set of standards than I hold anyone else to. It doesn’t make sense. But neither do eating disorders.
5. Just because I’ve gained weight, it does not mean I’m “all better” or recovered from the eating disorder.
Eating disorders are about so much more than food, eating, and weight.
You cannot tell if someone is healthy or recovered based on their size or weight.
Many people who struggle with eating disorders vacillate between various symptoms that may or may not affect their weight. While all of recovery is hard (including asking for help, introducing new foods, and possibly weight gain), I believe the most difficult part is after the weight has been restored.
It can be a constant battle to choose recovery from the eating disorder every single moment of the day.
And once weight is restored often support has also lessened. So rather than assuming you know how your loved one is doing based on their appearance if you honestly want to know, please ask them directly.
6. I want to answer honestly when you ask how I’m doing, but it’s hard.
I’m ashamed of my struggles and often frustrated by my difficulties. I’m afraid this eating disorder defines who I am as a person and always will.
It is a process and I do believe in full recovery, but I am not there yet. I am still finding my way.
7. Many normal activities you find easy or natural are hard for me. Really hard.
Such as eating at restaurants. Or grocery shopping. Or eating at a party or social gathering. I may appear calm on the outside, but if I am in recovery from an eating disorder, I am likely very good at covering up my feelings.
8. Please don’t comment on my food. EVER.
Especially when I’m eating or trying to choke it down. Saying how big my serving is or how surprised you are when I eat a lot only feeds my sick eating disorder voice.
Not only does it draw attention to the food which is likely causing me anxiety, but it can be extremely triggering for me.
I do not feel comfortable with you commenting on my food, what I am eating, how much, or when. Period.
9. Please don’t comment on my body shape or size.
If you tell me I have lost weight, my eating disorder is fed and I immediately want to lose more weight. Or panic sets in as I worry I have slipped without realizing it.
If you tell me that I look healthy, or “much better” your well-intentioned comment is quickly changed in my disordered head to mean “you are fat,” or “you are fine now.” Any comment on weight is just not helpful.
And again, eating disorders are about more than food and weight. This simply can not be said enough times.
10. Please don’t tell me about your diet. EVER.
It’s not only inconsiderate and triggering, but also unhealthy. At the root of eating disorders is a false belief that losing weight will improve health and happiness. And someone with an eating disorder is constantly comparing themselves to others believing they simply do not measure up.
If you’re truly interested in your loved one becoming healthy, educate yourself about health. Science simply does NOT support the use of diets to lose weight OR improve health.
If you don’t believe me, research it. There are many incredible resources and reading Antidiet by Christy Harrison is a great places to start.
11. I often live in fear that I’ll slide down the slippery slope back into my eating disorder.
It is a paradox because I can vacillate between complete and utter denial- believing I’m not thin or sick enough to even have an eating disorder- to feeling like one misstep and all my hard work for recovery will be lost as I sink into a place where the eating disorder is larger than I am.
In this place, it truly feels like I am not capable of finding my way out.
12. As much as you want to fix this for me- you can’t.
And as much as I wish you could fix this for me, you cannot.
If I am the one struggling with an eating disorder, it is up to me to choose recovery and to continue to choose recovery.
You can offer support and be there for me along the journey. But I must be the one to take the steps forward.
13. Recovery, just like life, is not perfect.
I have difficulty remembering this. I will undoubtedly fall down and take some steps backward. But please continue to believe in me and help me to see my steps forward. Especially when I’m unable to see them myself.
14. We need you, even when we don’t know how to ask for your support.
Eating disorders thrive on isolation, withdrawing, and hiding our emotions and thoughts. Through recovery, we’re able to reconnect or create new relationships and connection is really what we all crave and thrive off of.
So thank you for your love, for your support, and for your patience.
*This post by Lisette Hoschek was originally published on recoverywarriors.com in 2017.
If you’re looking for additional support as you step into full recovery from your eating disorder and want to work with someone who’s been there, check out my work with Lisette page here.